Saturday 19 April 2014

To listen and to be heared

Dear God
This morning I wanted to write to You and talk to You
But suddenly I feel shy, I don't know what to say
There is a fear in my tummy, like when trying to get a moment with my boss and then suddenly he has time for me and smiles at me, and I can speak, tell him about my thoughts and ask my questions

When this happens, when the opportunity is there, - I don't feel important enough, 
my questions aren't significant, I am not worthy of his time
My boss' time or Your time God - it feels the same

There is sadness in my cheeks and in my chest
It is about the feeling that I have nothing important to say, 
nothing that is important enough for my boss' very valuable time, 
Dad's valuable time, Your valuable time...
Soon my boss will get tired of me, I have to hurry - talk quickly, get to the point
It is really an urgency, a golden opportunity that I should not miss
I am in the centre of attention, dad's or mom's or my boss' attention
They will soon get tired of me, they have other things to do, they don't want to wait

And I can't remember what it was I wanted to say

My strategy that became my addiction is dominance and control
As an adult I push, I want to force people to listen, force them to pay attention to me
Through loud speech, by cutting of others, making fun of them, being condescending
Also through career and positions
Positions that make people take notice of me
because I have the power, power over them, their job, their pay-check...
Whatever that would make the fear go away, the fear that they don't want to listen
The fear that they don't love me

So what is the difference with You Father? How are You as a listener?
Are You in a hurry?
No, You are never in a hurry, You have all the time in the world
You invented time, and there is an abundance of it

You wait gladly and with patience for me to come to You

Let me never cease to realise that Your Love is waiting for me, 
and, that when I come to You, 
in faith and earnest aspiration, 
Your Love will never be withheld from me”

But I still don't know what it was I wanted to say