Tuesday 8 July 2014

Repentance and Forgiveness

My friend Anita handed me her Swedish translation of the transcript of a seminar that was presented by Jesus in Brazil 11 August 2012: The Truth About - Repentance & Forgiveness


Thanks to Jesus that presented it, thanks to Anita and to the Law of Attraction - I finally began to work myself through it.

The realizations when reading the transcript were these:

For me to be able to repent something I did to another person, something hurtful, something that created pain within the other person - it is necessary for me to feel the pain or something like the pain I created within the other person. And for me to be able to feel how this pain feels, I must get into emotional contact with my own emotional pains of the same kind. Those pains dwell deeply within me and are hidden since long time ago, from a time when painful events were not possible or allowed to feel. And when I want to avoid the experience of these pains I chose to create similar pain in others, as revenge, as a way to feel power instead of powerlessness, as a way to avoid my own pain no matter what...

So there exists this causal emotion buried within me and my fear of experiencing the pain that it carries, and then my own unloving choices that have created the pain in my fellow man.

When I can feel the pain within myself, I will be able to understand how it must hurt within the other - and with this comes repentance. And when I truly repent with emotions of deep sadness, I will be able to receive God's forgiveness. I will be able to feel that God forgives.

The other wonderful side of this is about me forgiving the person who hurt me. This will happen when I truly feel the deeply hidden causal pain within myself. The relief when some of this pain is being released will also include that I forgive my perpetrator.

It seems like there is one important container within me for every causal emotion. When opening this container and feeling the emotion locked up within it the result points in two directions: 
  • I will be able to repent my own actions and receive God's forgiveness
  • When releasing the frozen pain within me I will be able to forgive those who have hurt me
When I started my own process to move towards repentance I found nothing. Intellectually I found lots and lots and lots... but there were no emotions connected to it, no sadness, no despair - no feeling of "...what have I done!?...". Then some memories have begun surfacing. The older ones came first, the actions I took as a child when I was mean to friends or siblings. The memories are mixed with emotional memories of being hurt myself.

So this is where I am now. This is a starting point. Point zero.

One day I will write more about it when I have had some experience.

Saturday 19 April 2014

To listen and to be heared

Dear God
This morning I wanted to write to You and talk to You
But suddenly I feel shy, I don't know what to say
There is a fear in my tummy, like when trying to get a moment with my boss and then suddenly he has time for me and smiles at me, and I can speak, tell him about my thoughts and ask my questions

When this happens, when the opportunity is there, - I don't feel important enough, 
my questions aren't significant, I am not worthy of his time
My boss' time or Your time God - it feels the same

There is sadness in my cheeks and in my chest
It is about the feeling that I have nothing important to say, 
nothing that is important enough for my boss' very valuable time, 
Dad's valuable time, Your valuable time...
Soon my boss will get tired of me, I have to hurry - talk quickly, get to the point
It is really an urgency, a golden opportunity that I should not miss
I am in the centre of attention, dad's or mom's or my boss' attention
They will soon get tired of me, they have other things to do, they don't want to wait

And I can't remember what it was I wanted to say

My strategy that became my addiction is dominance and control
As an adult I push, I want to force people to listen, force them to pay attention to me
Through loud speech, by cutting of others, making fun of them, being condescending
Also through career and positions
Positions that make people take notice of me
because I have the power, power over them, their job, their pay-check...
Whatever that would make the fear go away, the fear that they don't want to listen
The fear that they don't love me

So what is the difference with You Father? How are You as a listener?
Are You in a hurry?
No, You are never in a hurry, You have all the time in the world
You invented time, and there is an abundance of it

You wait gladly and with patience for me to come to You

Let me never cease to realise that Your Love is waiting for me, 
and, that when I come to You, 
in faith and earnest aspiration, 
Your Love will never be withheld from me”

But I still don't know what it was I wanted to say

Saturday 22 February 2014

A huge misunderstanding!

 Dear God
I have nourished a huge misunderstanding within me all of my life
I have had a feeling of being an outcast and not being included. That nobody likes and appreciates me
When the Truth is:
There are so many who have given me so much - every day!

If only I can see, if only I can feel the great things that happen around me
The last day I have received love and care from Jesus and Mary, from Paige and Kerry, from Anto and Jane; 
and from Per who calls me "Dumbum" in a very sweet way;
and also from Vann where they are very caring with our food during our stay
 I am being so kindly treated! From all directions!

My repentance will be about my own lack of kindness and loving care towards others; 
that I want to look upon myself as an outcast and constantly demand proof that I am not!
 This has made me into a very angry and demanding woman; 
 and I can never get enough; my inner emptiness can never be filled this way

Dear God, You have shown me that I am wrong in such a Loving way!
And this has happened not by the Law of Attraction making me become an outcast, 
but by embracing me even more
until I can not avoid seeing it any more!
That I am held in the arms of Love

 Dear God,
Please let me get into this today with heartfelt emotions
I can feel that I am being brought closer and closer
to my lack of gratitude and lack of humility; I can feel the regret, remorse, repentance within me
it lies just beneath the surface in my soul
Something big and beautiful will be born from within; a capacity for gratitude and repentance.
A desire go give when I have received so abundantly!
 Amen from Eva

Friday 17 January 2014

Desiring at-onement with God?

The beautiful stage of At-Onement With God - how do I understand it?
Do I understand it at all?

A state of fearlessness, happiness, always in harmony with God's Love, always fearlessly seeking for more of God's Truth.

This is what I have been told.

But I don't understand it. Not within my soul, scarcely even with my intellect.

It sounds really, really beautiful and worth while striving for.

For me this state is like an unseen vision, something elusive - not in a negative way, rather something to long for, an unheard laughter, an unseen smile, unfelt love and tenderness.

What I slowly, slowly begin to understand -  with my intellect and sometimes also emotionally - is the beauty and loveliness with the Way, God's Way. The feeling when small, tiny pieces of error leave me and my soul opens up for more joy and insights day by day. Sometimes it is more like week by week or even months between new insights - but maybe you get the picture.

In the Prayer it says:
I know that Your Will is that I become at-one with You and partake of Your Great Love which You have bestowed upon me through Your Mercy and Desire that I become, in truth, Your child through Love, and not through the sacrifice and death of any of Your Creatures.

I realize that I can relax with this Truth. That it is God's Will that I become at-one with God.

I have already discovered how the Law of Desire gives me everything that I long for. So how strong mustn't it be when it is God who longs for me to become at-one with God?!

In the book The Life Elysian *) there is a conversation between Aphraar and Rhamya. I want to quote this special part about walking the way not knowing the goal (my interpretation):

Rhamya says:
"God has wisely ordained that all actively engaged in any mission may not be able to see what its final result will be. While we are at work our certainty of success must be of faith springing from God's blessing resting upon our wholehearted endeavor. If we could already see onward to the result of our labor it might tend to negligence, and the Father will not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able to bear, hence He drops the veil, and leaves us to feel that the responsibility of success rests upon our own shoulders."

My personal prayer is about asking God to hold my hand and lead me through the maze of emotions. 
And holding God's hand I just keep on walking!

 *) chapter XXI, The Coming of the Christ, page 203