This is Musse
He has lived with our family for almost 12 years
And now he is gone
Maybe some wild animal, bigger than him - killed him
Or maybe I killed him
With my soul's emotional state
I think that the latter is closer to the truth
He disappeared on Thursday 17th June
Early the same morning, at 4 am, he "knocked" on our front door and wanted to come in
I was lazy and sleepy, and annoyed being disturbed - so I didn't open
This has happened before, and then he has just showed up a little later in the morning
This time he didn't
The last time I saw him was in the morning a day earlier
He was in his armchair, waking up after a good sleep
I sat down next to him and hugged him and gave him a kiss on the forehead
He smiled, purred and stretched out one front paw to kind of hug me back
This is my last moment with him
For some weeks now, I cry my heart out every day
Memories of his love for us come to me
Memories of my own LACK OF LOVE also surface
My interaction with this beautiful and loving cat shows me everything (almost)
about myself and my childhood
about myself and my motherhood
It mirrors how my mother must have treated me when I was a small child
and it mirrors how I have treated the boy that I gave birth to
And it is all the same
In my relationship with Musse I have been self-absorbed, easily disturbed
and worrying about tidyness
I have been harsh, not being able to give tender care
Sometimes, now and then, for brief fleeting moments I have loved him
But then all the errors in my soul have taken over and a feeling of "enough" has come over me
Not being able to be close for more than short moments at a time
Jesus talks about this in the presentation of "Creating Loving Eco Systems"*.
How a person's soul condition affects animals and nature and everything around us
I feel so sad that this lovely cat had to be lost before I could feel all these emotions within me
Emotions of grief, loss and loneliness, repentance, guilt
Waves breaking over me every day, again and again
With some new flavours, from new angles
I am so sorry Musse
The truth I have heard from Jesus is that Musse is in the spirit world now
That he is perfectly happy living a wonderful cat life
and that it will be possible for me to be with him one day
in my sleep state - if he wants to be with me of course
But right now, for the time being
it is time for me to keep on feeling until all the emotions have been wept away
With my love to a small cat whose name is Musse
